Archive for July, 2012


Posted: July 9, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , ,


I need something from you
For a moment I thought my heart could take it
But it’s small
It’s soft
My heart is softer than my head
It couldn’t take that much weight

Try my brain
Wait… Use my brain
It’s big
It’s hard
My head is harder than my heart
It would take the weight

I need this thing from you
I need wisdom from you

They say my brain controls my system
I need this in my brain to control my whole system

Let them say I’m too young to handle it
I’ll tell them You never put an age limit to it
Let them say I am heartless
And I’ll ask how deep they’ve delved inside me to see this heart

This heart that has known vulnerabilty
This heart that has known selflessness
This heart that has been literally broken and stumpled on
This heart that you’ve mended till I told you to look elsewhere
In my head

Renew my mind with your Word
Make my head anew with You
Give me that wisdom that men will see and seek for
Exactly what I need from You


Posted: July 6, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,


So it’s 04:00am and I’m wondering, if I get married in the future before i’m raptured, what name will be inscribed on my seat in heaven? The new name or the maiden one?? Cos you see, who I am doesn’t necessarily n totally change when I get married and my surname has to be altered. I am still what God knows me as. Question here is, yes God knows my name, but what does He call me by or with? *still thinking… deeper*… Awwww hahaha… I just thought of sth else in context with this…



So, my father gets excited and embraces his lost son after… Well, you know the rest of the story (Luke 15:11-31). The story didn’t end there. Let me tell you what happened.

I’d never seen my father so disturbed like I did within the days my little brother left. He would go on the rooftop every morning to check out any sign of my brother’s return. Even when he’s indoors, he’d be staring out the window. I asked him, “father, why are you like this? Your younger son left you despite everything you gave him at home, yet you allow him to go and cry of his absence? Am I not here? Am I not good enough to fit in his stead? I am your first son, father…” He looked back at me, I could swear if he hadn’t taken a deep breath before uttering those few words, it would’ve been the first day I’d see him cry.

“At times I blame myself for allowing him to go. But I’m just a father who loves his child. No matter what he does or becomes, he still is my son and I love him nonetheless.” He turns and gazes back out the window and whispers, “he will return… He will return to his house… I know he will” I got furious at the way my father was so concerned. What if he never comes back? How long would he wait? “But father”, he interrupts, “my son, I love you equally. If it was you, I would do same”

I remember that day as if it were some minutes back; the day my brother came home. I was exhausted after working in the field. In approaching the house, I assumed mother had returned, or father had found a new wife and had wanted to surprise the household. I rushed in… And there he was, my little brother. I was happy for a moment but confused and furious for the rest. Why would father throw a feast for him after all that happened? After his show of arrogance and disrespect and youthful… lustful exuberance?!

And it got worse after hearing his story. He lived among pigs? Pigs?! Hah!! We don’t even use pigs for sacrifices. Such humiliation!! This is a clear evident exhibition of immaturity. If he was that wise and independent as he claimed he was when requesting for his inheritance, then he should’ve started up a pig farm or something of that sort. At least he’d have achieved something. Hmph! It’s funny how we learn; the hard way. But we become foolish when we know what is right yet refuse to do it. Who says all great men of God have messed up in the past so we also can and God will still forgive and use us anyway?

Yes, I was angry and stayed angry at my father and brother for a while but I finally found it right and expedient enough to let it go and also learn from my brother’s mistakes. And let me make it clear; I wasn’t angry at my father for throwing a feast, rather at his response to my brother’s immatured behaviour. He never said a word of chastisement or even how he felt.

You see, when you BELONG to the household, your place is IN the house, you have to STAY IN the house. Unless you are married into another household, whichever way, you need to and would belong a household. I wish I could’ve told him this… I wish I could’ve told him in the face that I wasn’t as self righteous and flawless… I had my own mistakes too but hey, God places you at some stategic positions for a reason. I’m glad he didn’t stay with the pigs for that long else he would’ve become like them; unclean. But then he came home, back to the house and was cleaned up. God takes care of his own.

My father made me see God in a totally different light; a brighter light. Despite our filth and uncleanliness, he waits for us and knows we will come. And when we come back home, he embrasses us and makes us clean, and most importantly, he is happy that we are where we belong. I realised also that, my little brother hadn’t found himself. He didn’t know who he was and what he had in his father’s house. He wouldn’t have taken that unwise step if he knew. Consequently, we wouldn’t have learned a lesson if he hadn’t gone. It had to be him. Can you imagine if I was the one who’d left? It would’ve sounded more foolish because, I am the older son and my lil brother looks up to me. It had to be him.

A few months later, our father died. But my brother didn’t get his one-third share of the estate. I received my two-thirds. According to our father, he had spent it all and would be unfair to give to him what didn’t belong to him. My brother had to face the consequences of his actions. It’s like an adulterous woman who gets pregnant for a different man and seeks for forgiveness from God. God will forgive her but she’ll have to live the rest of her life, literally ‘facing the consequences of her actions’ which in this case is the child.

God is merciful and he loves us all. But he isn’t an unjust God. Sometimes he favours us so much so well that we might think he is being bias. But He is just being who He is; God. He is the one we chose to believe when stories of him were told and passed on after generations. His acts can never be questions; just look out for an expected yet excitedly surprising end.